Don’t Protect your Children from Shame
Over the years, I’ve heard many sermons and read many articles suggesting that feeling shame is harmful to one’s wellbeing. I’ve heard preachers say emphatically that feeling shame is of the devil and can keep a person from living to their full potential. In addition, the consensus among psychologists is that shame is detrimental to one’s mental health. One article I read stated, “Research consistently shows that shame can have catastrophic effects on mental health and behavior. Feelings of shame have been linked to suicidal actions and gestures. Shame may also deter people from seeking treatment for mental health issues or make it difficult to apologize for wrongdoing.”[1]
Shamelessness is Emblematic of Moral Decay
In contrast, there are many biblical references in both the Old and New Testament that indicate that the absence of shame is emblematic of moral decay (Romans 1:27; Jeremiah 6:15). For example, when exhorting believers to abstain from sexual immorality, Paul writes, “For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret” (Ephesian 5:12). In other words, there were people shamelessly participating in behaviors that were so disgraceful that to even speak about them publicly would have been dishonorable. Sadly today, the shameless acts that would be shameful to even speak about, are being done openly with no shame for all to see. (i.e. gay pride parades, raunchy music videos, living together before marriage, etc.). Today, we even have well known preachers that have disgracefully used vulgar and explicit language behind their pulpits.
According to the scriptures, it’s harmful not to feel shame when you should feel shame and conversely, it’s harmful to feel shame when you shouldn’t feel shame. In light of this, how do we differentiate between shame that is healthy and shame that is unhealthy? To answer this question, it’s necessary to begin by defining our terms. Defining terms biblically is crucial, especially in a day and age when many biblical terms, which are found in the bible, are being redefined to fit in with a decaying moral culture.
Defining the Terms
The Oxford dictionary gives this helpful definition of shame: “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” An article in Psychology today defines shame as “a self-critical emotion, according to which individuals display a negative consideration of themselves.”[2]
Keep in mind that according to the Psychology world, shame or thinking critically of oneself is always bad. But according to God’s word, it’s bad not to feel shame in some circumstances. There is shame that is appropriate and there is also shame that is inappropriate.
When you Have No Reason to Feel Shame
The word of God clearly exhorts believers, who may be feeling shame, not to be ashamed about things that are not shameful. For example, When Christians are mocked (shamed) and reviled for their faith, Jesus emphasized that this is a reason to rejoice not a reason to be ashamed (Matthew 5:11-12).
Similarly, the Apostle Paul wrote, “If one suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but under that name let him glorify God” (1 Peter 4:16). So, if you’re mocked for your Christianity and suffer for righteousness you have no reason to feel shame. Rather, as a Christian you are glorifying God.
Biblical Criterion for Shame
Commentating on what the biblical criterion is for appropriate shame and inappropriate shame, John Piper explained, “Shame is not how foolish or how bad you look to men, but whether you in fact bring honor to God. This is so important to grasp, because much of what makes us feel shame is not that we have brought dishonor on God by our actions, but that we have failed to give the appearance that other people admire. Much of our shame is not God-centered, but self-centered. Until we get a good handle on this, we will not be able to battle the problem of shame at its root.”
Analyzing the Source of Shame
In light of what constitutes appropriate shame and inappropriate shame, if you feel shame, how do you deal with shame at its root? We must first analyze the source or root of our shame and determine whether or not our shame is the consequence of dishonoring God? If the source of our shame is not rooted in having done something to dishonor God, we have nothing to be ashamed of.
Dealing with the Crippling Effects of Shame
Misplaced shame can be crippling and must be dealt with. And recognizing it as misplaced shame is the first step to overcoming its crippling effects. Furthermore, to guard our hearts from the crippling effects of misplaced shame (i.e. feeling like we will never amount to anything, worthlessness, unlovable, isolation) we must grow in the knowledge of God and embrace all that we are in Christ, as beloved children of God.
On the other hand, if the source of our shame is rooted in something we have done to dishonor God, we should feel shame. To not feel shame when we have dishonored God with our actions or attitudes is an indication that we don’t have a healthy fear of God, that we are suppressing the truth and that our conscience is seared (1 Tim. 4:2; Rom. 1:18; 26-27). This is a bad placed to be.
When addressing the moral decay of Jeremiah’s day, the Lord said, “‘For from the least to the greatest of them, everyone is greedy for unjust gain; and from prophet to priest, everyone deals falsely. 14 They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ when there is no peace. 15 Were they ashamed when they committed abomination? No, they were not at all ashamed; they did not know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them, they shall be overthrown,’ says the Lord” (Jeremiah 6:13-15). Like the days of Jeremiah, we are living in a society where people don’t even blush, much less feel shame. Modesty is not valued. Instead, as the Apostle Paul wrote, they glory in their shame (Phil. 3:19). In other words, they boast in their sinful indulgences and immodesty. They are not only open about their sin, but they feel no sense of shame.
Don’t Protect your Children from Shame
Sadly, as in Jeremiah’s day, the need for appropriate shame is not something you hear preached about much today, Today, we hear a lot about how bad and crippling shame can be, as if it’s always detrimental. But we hear little about the need for well-placed shame. Parents and Pastors seem to be more focused on protecting people from the painful emotion of shame at the expense of truth (Jeremiah 6:14).
Of course, as parents, we need to protect our children from the harmful effects of inappropriate shame, and we should certainly not be the cause of it. If your child is feeling shame, embarrassment, or worthlessness because a bully at school made fun of their looks, or mocked them for their Christians beliefs, we must teach them that they have no reason to feel shame. However, if your child is feeling bad, guilty, and embarrassed because they bullied someone at school, we don’t encourage them to feel otherwise. Instead, we teach them the right way to deal with appropriate shame. You see, although there are times when feeling shame is appropriate, we must deal with it in a timely and Christ centered manner.
Shame Alerts us to the Presence of Sin
God designed the painful emotion of shame to alert us of the presence of sin so that we might seek His forgiveness, cleansing and strength to forsake our sin. We are not to hide from God in shame, but to run to Him with faith and take hold of the provisions and promises of the gospel of Christ.
As John Piper further explained, “In the case of well-placed shame for sin the pain ought to be there but it ought not to stay there. If it does, it’s owing to unbelief in the promises of God. For example, a woman comes to Jesus in a Pharisee’s house weeping and washing his feet. No doubt she felt shame as the eyes of Simon communicated to everyone present that this woman was a sinner and that Jesus had no business letting her touch him. Indeed, she was a sinner. There was a place for true shame, but not for too long. Jesus said, “Your sins are forgiven” (Luke 7:48). And when the guests murmured about this, he helped her faith again by saying, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace” (verse 50). How did Jesus help her battle the crippling effects of shame? He gave her a promise: “Your sins are forgiven! Your faith has saved you. Your future will be one of peace.” So, the issue for her was belief. Would she believe the glowering condemnation of the guests? Or would she believe the reassuring words of Jesus that her shame was enough? She’s forgiven. She’s saved. She may go in peace.” And that is the way every one of us must battle the effects of a well-placed shame that threatens to linger too long and cripple us. We must battle unbelief by taking hold of promises [of God].[3]
Right and Wrong Paths Out of Shame
Now just as we must learn the difference between appropriate shame and inappropriate shame, we must also learn that there’s a right path and a wrong path out of shame. Remember even when our feelings of shame ought to be there, they’re not supposed to stay there. Another way of putting it is that we are not to remain in a place of shame, hide our shame or suppress it. Instead, we are to take the right path out of shame and we must teach our children to do the same.
There’s a right path and a wrong path out of shame. After a therapist identified that the root of his patients crippling shame was measuring her behavior based on what was acceptable in the eyes of her grandmother, he suggested a way out. The shame began after an argument with her boyfriend whom she was sexually involved with in college. She felt guilty and anxious about her relationship with her boyfriend and didn’t feel she could talk to her family out of fear that they would disagree with her choices. Soon her anxiety turned into a debilitating depression. Her therapist was right in determining that she was not mentally ill and in need of psychiatric medication. Instead he helped her to discover the source of her shame and to see it as an opportunity for growth. In addition, he helped her to see that her way out of shame was to find the strength to implement new values in her life.
Now in this true scenario, which I read in a book on psychiatry, did the therapist help his patient to see the right path out shame? If her shame was rooted in having done somethings which was not only dishonorable in her grandmother’s’ eyes, but in God’s eyes, then her shame was appropriate. Therefore, the right path out of shame was not finding the strength to implement new values, but to trust that God’s will for her life was best (Proverbs 3:4-5). And if she was out of God’s will, what she needed to do was to repent of her sin, trust in the forgiveness found in Jesus, and look to Him for the strength to live a God honoring life regardless of what anybody else thinks or says. The emotion of shame can be painful. Therefore, we may feel that it would be easier to suppress the truth behind it. But suppressing the truth doesn’t lead to a better life. Rather it’s leads to moral decay, which is what we see in our society today.
Choose the right Path Out of Shame
Remember because shame can be painful, the tendency of parents is to protect their children from it. However, when it comes to appropriate shame the goal should not be to protect our kids from it, but to teach them how to rightly respond to it. As Dr. Michael Mascolo, explained, “The key is not so much to protect children from feelings of shame, as it is to help them find a path out of shame. ‘I understand that you may feel ashamed of yourself for pushing your sister down. You should feel ashamed of yourself! This is not how good brothers act toward their sisters! A good brother takes care of his younger sister, even if she…”’
The word of God is clear on this point. We should not protect are children from the pain of appropriate shame. In fact, there are times when we need to rebuke them for their bad behavior in a way that helps them to feel appropriate shame (1 Cor. 1:27; 6:5; Proverbs 29:15; 1 Tim, 5:20; 2 Thess. 3:14; Luke 13:17). Keep in mind that the goal of our loving correction is not to keep our children in shame, but to help motivate them to choose the right path out of shame. As Dr. Michael Mascolo also noted,, “The prevailing wisdom in the world of parenting is that a child should never be made to feel bad about him or herself. But that simply cannot be so. There are situations in which we want our children to feel bad about themselves. We don’t want our children to be shameless! The trick is to realize that there are destructive and constructive experiences of shame. Shame is destructive when it offers us no escape. Shame can be constructive when we are shown the way out. When children fail to live up to the standards that we set for who they ought to be, showing them how to achieve those standards can turn shame into virtue.
Gospel Wisdom
In the old days, grandma might have said to us “shame on you!” But by saying this, she certainly didn’t mean: “You are a horrible and unworthy person!” What she meant was more like: “right now, you are acting like a bad person, but if you change your behavior you can become a good person.” Grandma was giving us an “out.”
A loving Grandma is right to want her grandchild to be a good person. And she’s wise to understand that it’s harmful for her grandchild not to feel shameful when they act wrongly. When a godly-wise Grandma rebukes her grandchild for their shameful behavior, her goal is not to keep them in shame, but to lead them out. And if she’s a gospel-wise grandma she will teach her grandchild that the way out of shame is to know the love of God.
God’s love made a way through Christ’s death on the cross for our sin and His resurrection to be freed from the bondage of sin and shame. When we know the love of God in Christ, we will not hide in shame. Instead, we will allow the pain of our shame to lead us to the throne of His grace to receive forgiveness and the strength to live a God honoring life to the praise of His name.
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